piece of fudge

1 Mar

We’ve all used online dating at some point in our lives. No? Not you? Go fuck yourself. Online dating aims to combine the promise of getting laid with the ease of 1-click online shopping. Yes, I agree, it sounds great. Thanks to many great sites, we haven’t had to leave our parents’ basements to interact with the opposite (or same) sex for well over a decade. The promise of failing to attract a fellow human being for the purpose of a romantic endeavour, without having to leave my bedroom sounded too enticing to ignore, so I gave it a shot.
The following is a brief enumeration of annoying habits, which lubricate the metastasis of misanthropy from reality to the internet. Alternatively, you can view this list as a guide for improving the quality of your humanity.
  1. Using others’ photos
    You have a hot sister? Great. But, please don’t use her face for your profile photo. This practice is called ‘false advertisement’ and it makes me not want to read your profile, even if you went to medical school, after having successfully defended a PhD dissertation in extrasolar astrophysics.
  2. Bad grammar or spelling
    Most modern computers include a form of spell checking. If you see a squiggly red line underneath a word, that ain’t bling for your text, yo. Fix that shit. Right-clicking can be tricky at first, but many of us got used to it eventually.
  3. Generic interests
    You like movies and music? Great. I like intaking a mix of nitrogen and oxygen every few seconds. I also like maintaining control over my bowels, and I adore not bleeding. How about you mention something unique about yourself, like your tendency to masturbate to Schindler’s List?
  4. Photos taken from the same angle
    I see you have discovered that you look especially-good from a particular angle. You might also know how to fit both your face and your cleavage into a photo. Please don’t. Or, if you do, please do it only once. Seeing only one side of the face makes us think there’s something wrong with the other one.
  5. Disconnect between the online persona and reality
    This is a big one. Once in a while, it can be fun to pretend to be someone else. Let’s face it, you’re statistically likely to be mediocre in many ways, just like everyone. It’s perfectly okay to have an online alter ego, UNLESS, you’re doing online dating. You might think you can bench 300 or fight off any rapist, but unless it’s actually true, don’t mention it in your profile.
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3 Responses to “piece of fudge”

  1. Scoob March 4, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    Does this mean she failed to fight you off, and this was somehow disappointing?
    Very disturbing my friend.

    Btw, you missed the macro close up shots when speaking of photos. I’m sure everyone says “you have really pretty eyes”, but chances are I’m not going to recognize you based exclusively on the pattern and colouration of your iris. Oh look, this one just had eye surgery – I can see where the scalpel sliced her cornea. Now thats sexy!

  2. Jules March 2, 2010 at 7:18 am #

    You could not be more accurate about it. Well, from a dude’s perspective. Don’t get me started on a woman’s. Maybe I should write one?

  3. momjeans March 1, 2010 at 6:55 pm #

    this isn’t a recipe.

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